For several years when I was working at the VA, I lived in one place and my wife Lisa lived in another. I was concerned about how we would navigate this situation at first, and I’ll admit that there were times when it was very difficult. We got through it pretty well, with only a few tears (mostly mine, when I was making the three hour drive back to work after a weekend at home).
It is always wonderful to get back together, and to feel the comfort of familiarity and the joy of doing things together. It’s also kind of nice to get annoyed with each other, and know that it is ok.
Now I’m choosing to do some traveling alone, and all that time living and working in places by myself has prepared me, and made this easier. There are times when I still get very lonely. The internet helps a lot. I can talk to Lisa whenever I want, pretty much. But there are so many times when I see something beautiful, or have a great meal, and I want to share it. And I can’t. Those times are hard.
I don’t recommend this kind of living for everyone. I’ve done my share of marriage counseling, and for most couples, finding time to be together needs to be a priority. I know others who make it work. One of the doctors I worked with in Wisconsin flew to work every Sunday night from Boston, and flew back on Friday afternoon.
My wife and I are independent people, both first-born, and stubborn. The key thing that allows us to live apart at times is that we love each other very much. This love leads to trust and confidence and security. We also know each other well. Lisa once told me, “I would hate to have you sitting around the house feeling bored.” Our different experiences also give us more to talk about and allow us to dream about what we want to do together. We both look forward to a time when we can spend more time together, but that won’t be for a while.
There are ways in which no matter how closely connected you are to another person, you still live this life alone. Your decisions are yours alone, and the ways that you perceive life are unique to you. Independence can cause some people to grow apart, and when this happens, the bond that was taken for granted can become severed. In every partnership there will come a time when one of you will die, and whoever is left will be alone in their grief.
For me, it’s comforting to know that spiritually, I’m not alone. My faith helps me recognize that there are more than just human connections in this life. This recognition doesn’t always cure my loneliness or my desire to have my partner in the same physical space. But it gives me hope during those hard times.